Dare I Say It, A Breakthrough???

If it is, then I’m claiming it.

I’ve dealt with postpartum depression for about a year and a half now.  While I was sitting up one night recently I suddenly sensed this “pop”.  It’s kind of hard to explain, but it was like a light switch in my head got flipped, the lights popped on, and everything fell into place.  Everything made sense again.  I felt like I finally woke up completely from the zombie-like dream state I’d been living in.  I felt lighter, freer.  But at the same time I also felt afraid – afraid that this unbridled and engaged happiness that washed over me would leave me again, and I’d be left feeling even emptier and lower than I already had been.  “Okay, okay” I told myself.  “Just breathe and take it one minute at a time.”

I relaxed, sat back on the sofa and breathed.  I closed my eyes.  After I was calm, I opened my eyes and looked at the clock.  Three minutes had passed and I still felt happy.  A few minutes more passed and I began to feel like I was getting used to the jovial nature that beset me.  A half hour or so later, I caught myself thinking “Man, I feel like myself.”  I went to sleep later and woke up the next morning in the exact same frame of mind I went to sleep in.

I was ecstatic.

I had to tell someone.  Well, ask someone, anyway.  I asked my friend Theresa about her struggle with PPD, and how she knew when she was over it.  Now I know everyone’s experience with PPD is different and therefore their outcome is different too, but I often looked to Theresa for guidance and resources on managing it.

I couldn’t help but to tell Dorian how I felt.  He was visibly relieved to hear that I felt like my old self again.  And now, as I’m going on two weeks “normal”, I proudly claim that I’m back!  Yes, I still worry about one thing or another at any given point in time, but that’s okay.  It’s part of my analytical nature.  🙂

Brad's 1st Birthday Party

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God Is Everywhere

I think I’ve been having some issues with my faith lately. I’ve been concerned about several issues for a while now and I feel sometimes like I’m not in control. But not only am I not in control, I think that I’m beginning to realize that there IS no control.

I felt so distraught that I asked God to show Himself to me, to prove that He heard my cries, and that He was still in touch with me and working on me. A short time later a commercial came on for Godiva Chocolate. At the end of the commercial the screen read, “May your life be filled with Godiva”, with “Godiva” appearing slowly, as if suddenly becoming visible through a thick fog, letter by letter. As symbolic as it sounds, perhaps I was more in shock and quickly ready to dismiss the witnessing as a mere coincidence.

After the commercial, I opened the TV guide and a show called “Secrets of Success” caught my attention. I scrolled over to read what the info said, which was “You can step out of the box, let go of your fears, and take advantage of this proven and easy-to-understand success building system. Buy it, read it, follow the steps and become successful. It really is that simple!”

I’m no fool.

I just sat for a moment and got lost in my thoughts. What am I really accomplishing by micromanagement? Maybe I feel the need to control everything around me because I have no self-control. Well, I have self-control, maybe just in the wrong areas. 😉

I’m taking what I saw as an answer to my desperate prayer. Sometimes, the lamb just needs to lift its head to see the herdsmen.